This Business of Love

Chapter 2: Ipkiss and Batz

"What the holy hell?" yelled Stanley, as he jumped backwards several feet.

The terrifying man held a small card in his gloved fingers, which he read.

"Stanley Ipkiss…" came his bottom-of-the-barrel voice. "Seriously? That's your name?"

Stanley became indignant. "Who wants to know?" he demanded.

The huge man tossed away the card, and replied, "I'm known as the Batman."

"Okaaayyyy..." said Stanley. "I have a feeling I have no right to comment on the strangeness of this situation, so instead I'll ask, why are you here?"

The huge man leaped down from his perch in a menacing whirl of black fabric and animal mystique.

Stanley stumbled out of the way, and gripped the back of the chair instinctively.

The Batman was very tall; so tall that his cape did not touch the floor when he walked. He gazed out over the rooftops and beyond, to the nighttime clouds drifting behind the skyscrapers of Edge City.

"I've received intelligence that my nemesis, the Joker, is vacationing in your city," he boomed.

Stanley relaxed a bit. He laughed sardonically. "Why would he take a vacation in Edge City, of all places?"

The Batman paused and gestured at the clouds. "It must be because the methane emissions are so nice this time of year."

Stanley laughed.

"No, really," he said. "Why?"

The Batman smiled, and Stanley found the sight of that very unsettling.

"You laughed. I'll have to remember that one," the Batman boomed. "The Joker doesn't think I have a sense of humor. I guess that's not completely accurate."

"My confidence in you is growing ev-e-ry minute," Stanley muttered under his breath.

The Batman explained, "I believe the Joker may be after your mask. He will only use it for nefarious purposes."

"My mask?" blurted Stanley. "How do you know about all that?"

"You're more well-known than you think, Stanley," said the Batman. "I keep up with the news. Did you really think a conga line in the city park with the entire ECPD would go unreported?"

Stanley blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, garsh, Batman…we were only having a bit of fun."

"Also," the Batman added. "Your dog was out today, messing with the Loki mask. Caused quite a stir with a female Jack Russell terrier at the Coco BowWow club."

Stanley stared at him. "Coco... BowWow..."

"Yes. There's a whole part of this city frequented only by dogs. Naturally, they have a Latin dancing club parallel to your own."

Stanley looked at him incredulously. "Let's suppose this part of the city actually exists. How would you even know about it? "

The Batman paused, dramatically.

He admitted, "I have my contacts."

"Contacts in a miniature city of dogs," Stanley repeated, in a withering tone. "Wow, not even gonna probe that one... nope!"

He added, "But, um, are you asking me to do something about this Joker character?"

"I want you to stake out the Coco Bongo Club. From what I've observed, it's exactly the sort of retro, jiving hot spot he likes. It'll be like a moth to a flame."

Stanley smiled. "Well, he's got good taste, I'll give him that."

"Also, he will have informed himself about your antics of late and he'll presume to find you there. I want you to draw him out into the open, and I'll bag him before he does any harm."

Stanley touched a finger to his chin. "Are you sure it's such a good idea getting that close to him while wearing the mask? I thought I had to protect the thing, not tease him with it..."

"True," said the Batman. "But hiding from the Joker will only prolong the inevitable."

Stanley stared at him. Then he buried his face in his hand, amid raucous snickers.

The Batman's blank white eyes narrowed dangerously, and this chilling sight turned Stanley's laughter sheepish and pitiful.

"Why is that funny?" the statuesque man irritably inquired.

Stanley wiped his eyes, and managed, "I... I... really don't know."

The Batman nodded sagely. "You know, now I think I understand your problem with Tina."

Stanley's face moved into a look of abject horror.

"You were listening the whole time?" He fell into one of the chairs, and muttered, "Well, that's just flippin' fantastic...."

The Batman lowered himself into the other chair, and the force of his weight falling caused some radish slices and bean sprouts to tumble from Stanley's gourmet constructions onto the floor. The Caped Crusader frowned. To make up for it, he took up the un-opened bottle. With a practiced turn of his wrist, he poured himself and Stanley two millionaire-red glasses of wine.

The Batman's voice took on a consoling tone. "Why don't you focus on this job I'm giving you, and it might help you take your mind off her."

Stanley rolled his eyes." Yeah, right, because slumming at the Coco Bongo, the club where she performs, is exactly how I'm gonna do that." He took the glass of wine, glanced at it, and paused. "Should you be drinking while on the job?"

The Batman ignored him, and contended, "And what would you be doing otherwise? Hunkering down with mint chip ice cream and Red Hot Riding Hood?"

Stanley's face dropped into his palm. "And you've been in my apartment, too. Wonderful."

"If it makes you feel better, no, I actually haven't," the Batman assured him. "Your VHS tape was sitting on the nightstand near the window, and across the room I saw your dog sneaking some ice cream in the afternoon. He jumped up and yanked open the freezer with his teeth."

Stanley was silent.

"That," he finally said, "doesn't surprise me as much as it should."

"Well, worst case scenario, your dog was really depressed after his date, and he needed a pick-me-up," the Batman reasoned. "Best case scenario, he was really worn out after his date, and decided to indulge in a celebration meal…"

"OK, that's enough speculation," Stanley chided. "Fine – I'll take the job. And please don't ever talk about my dog in that way again."

The Batman gave a huge, muscle-bound shrug, and his big manly mouth smirked.

Stanley shook his head, as if to dislodge a disgusting memory. "Wow. I can honestly say I never expected innuendo to come of that scary black cowl..."

The Batman smiled. "That's because you don't know who I am in the daytime."

"Yeah, and I think both you and I would prefer that it stayed that way," agreed Stanley.

The Batman stood up and withdrew from the table, straightening his cape. Stanley had a sudden thought.

"Y'know, in detective movies, when the P.I. says 'I'll take the job', you never actually see him getting paid for his work," Stanley noted. "You're not gonna pay me for this job, are you?"

The Batman paused, dramatically.

From over the Batman's mountain-slope of a shoulder, Stanley saw the cleft in the man's face that constituted his mouth issue the word, "No."

Stanley nodded. "Right, I forgot," he said, sarcastically. He turned around and gestured at the dinner spread. "Because I'm just full of green and this dinner was just a drop in the bucket..."

When Stanley turned back to face his conversant, the Batman was gone.

Well, that was convenient, he thought.

Stanley sighed, and affected a Brooklyn accent. "Well, I guess it's time to go case the joint."

But first things first, he thought, as he grabbed the door handle and stalked down the stairs to his apartment.

"Milo! We need to have a talk!"